HOW TO KEEP YOUR COOL WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS

We all have those moments when someone pushes you too far. All that goes through your head is ‘I’m done’ and you just want to toss everything to the ground, throw a peace sign in the air and take a vacation from life.

Most times though, the above is not a plausible scenario. Here’s how it really goes down : Your face turns red, you grit your teeth so hard you get nicknamed Beaver, and when you’re away from the people that cause this frustration you explode on everything and everyone that is near. Worst case scenario, you can’t hold it in long enough and end up exploding on the person who is likely most deserving to get burned by your flames – and then you have to deal with the consequences. Which are rarely pleasant.

Here’s some advice on how to calm yourself, when people push all your red buttons.

Breathe.

You were breathing when someone made you angry and yet here you are, fuming, despite ‘Just breathe’-ing like everyone seems to tell you. We can understand how sceptical that might make you, but the trick is to not just breathe but be aware of your breathing. Take a few deep long breaths, and only focus on your inhale and your exhale. You should feel at least a bit of tension release from your body. That is because taking deep breaths oxygenates the blood, which causes our brain to release endorphins. In turn, these endorphins help reduce stress in the body and even decrease levels of pain. Best part? You can do this anytime, anywhere. You’re in a meeting, and your colleagues or boss are being really hard on you? Just take some time to ‘think’, take a few deep breaths and hopefully that will make it easier to place that fake smile on your face.

Vent it out.

When people put you down, or anger you – especially when you think it was unwarranted and that they are in the wrong – it can be hard to keep the Mother of all angry word vomits from escaping your lips. You have so much you want to say, but maybe you’re not able to say it – because the consequences are too big. Keeping your opinion in will drive you crazy. Your brain will obsess about it, you’ll just keep finding more and more reasons why you’re right and they’re wrong, your anger will keep building up (instead of dissipating) and eventually that word vomit will come out after all. The trick to stopping this is venting. Is there a friend of colleague that has a similar issue, or has experienced similar problems? Talk to them about it! They will understand you, they’ll maybe even agree with you, and it will ease some of the tension from your back. Then again, maybe you don’t like talking about your issues, or feel like you would just be burdening others. Well, there’s a solution for you as well! How about writing a letter to the person, or people, that caused your frustrations? Address everything in this letter, whatever you wished you could just say to their face. By the time you write the last word, you’ll feel much less angry. Just don’t make the mistake of accidentally sending this letter out! It’s for your eyes only.

Accept your emotions.

If someone is hard on you, since you can’t be hard back towards them, you’re hard towards yourself as well. You might blame yourself for getting so worked up and letting other people get to you. But hey, you’re human! You have emotions, and you weren’t built to just nod meekly to everything in life. You have your own opinions and ideas, so of course, if someone else devalues this, you will feel defensive and hurt. Finding ways to blame yourself for that will just make a bad situation worse. Accept your feelings, and validate them. But not just that, find their cause – why are you feeling frustrated? It’s not just because someone said something – you either expected more from them, or from yourself. Define the source of your feelings, and they’ll be a little easier to handle.

Don’t overthink it.

It’s easy to spin out of control when you’re upset. Your mindset just goes as dark as your mood, and you only think of the worst case scenarios. Everything that could go wrong has already played out inside of your head, and now you’re not just angry and frustrated, but also worried, depressed and self-deprecating – which will also deplete your energy and make you lose your creativity and motivation. All in all, don’t overthink stuff! Take it easy, and only deal with the present – the future hasn’t happened yet, so there’s no point in trying to become an Oracle and predict it. You are in charge, and your future is not set in stone, so the only thing you need to consider is the current situation, and how you can improve it. It’s easy to think negatively, but being positive requires effort, determination and a dash of hope.

Visualize and compartmentalize.

For some reason, most of us feel that having one issue to deal with isn’t enough – why not just pile up 10 more, and make it a party! It’s mostly subconscious and almost automatic. When someone points out one thing that is wrong, you, as a dedicated critic, will be able to come up with at least a dozen more. There’s a trick we hope might be able to help with that, but it will only work if you’re able to visualize things. We will share an example, but it is best to find a visualization that is personal to you and so it will be easier for you to imagine the scenario.
Close your eyes and take deep breaths. Imagine that you are in a huge room, full of various drawers and all of your concerns and frustrations are separated in those drawers. Each of them has only one issue for you to deal with. Only one concern. Only one insecurity. Only one critique. Take deep breaths and look around the room, and then firmly open just one drawer and let one of your worries out. Once you have assessed this worry, and came to terms with it, open another one. Things will be easier to deal with if you divide and conquer, and they might not seem as big and bad as they do when they all come at you at once.

Take a break.

You deserve it! While we can’t take a break from life in general, we can take a break from things in life at least for a few short moments. Do a meditation to just relax your mind and let it wander a bit. Take a short walk and reach to accomplish your goal in the Leaf app – a victory, no matter how small, is exactly what you need. Or sit down, breathe some fresh air, close your eyes and just focus on the sounds and smells around you. Overwhelm your brain with different sensations to identify, rather than different problems.

Find your happy.

We all have something that brings us happiness. Maybe that’s family or a friend. Maybe it’s a precious pet, though let’s be honest, they count as family too. Maybe it’s a hobby that always brings a smile to your face. Or maybe there’s just that one song that will make any day more bearable. Whatever makes you happy, even if it’s something small, take a few minutes of your time to do them. If it’s friends or family, call them. If it’s your cute pet, look at a few pictures and remind yourself you’ll be home to see them soon. Maybe it’s music, so just play your favorite song and just ignore the world around you for a while. Doing something that makes you happy, will keep the feeling somewhere in the back of your mind even when you have to face reality again. A short burst of happiness in your day will also lessen the anger and frustration you felt earlier.

Forgiveness.

Forgive doesn’t mean forget. To forgive means letting go of the anger so that it doesn’t consume you. It means distancing yourself from someone else’s opinion and creating a clear line between what you think and know and what someone else thinks. And it means accepting that they view the world differently than you and have different opinions – that you don’t have to agree with. Forgiving will lessen the anger and give you the air of being calm and collected – which means you won’t have to fake your composure. Why is this important? If people are able to see that you are emotional about something and that they can get under your skin, they will start to doubt you more. In their eyes, being able to rattle you will mean you were insecure from the start and that you don’t believe in yourself – which is especially bad in a professional environment. However, if you present your case in a composed way, it will show that you are sure of your opinion and are able to stand by it calmly – even when under attack. Best case scenario, this might even make the other person reconsider what you have to say.

Even if you follow this advice, there is no guarantee you will be able to keep your cool next time. Emotions are tricky, and there is no simple equation or theory that will help contain them or reign them in.

Luckily, practice makes perfect! If you practice these tips repeatedly, stress and frustration will be easier to handle, and eventually you’ll be able to stay cool no matter which buttons were pushed.